Nacho Libre (2006)

Nacho Libre

2006

Starring: Jack Black, Ana de la Reguera, Darius Rose, Moises Arias

Directed By: Jared Hess

Ok, first things first, I didn't pick this movie, my son did. So, seeing as I was forced to go see this, I'll be as nice as possible without sounding ungrateful to spending time with my son.

I like Jack Black. A lot. Not in a gay/homosexual way, but I think he's freakin' hilarious and I'm a HUGE Tenacious D fan. "D ciple" to the lesser beings. Jack Black is a rare breed that could be considered a "Jack of all entertainment trades". He's a musician, singer, comedian, actor... you name it, he's it. However, a wrestler he is not. Put him in a movie where he plays a mexican friar at a monestary, throw the jackass who directed Napoleon Dynamite into the mix and you have yourself something that I can only describe as seeing a monkey throw poop.

Now, what I mean by that is that it's funny, but not shit your pants funny like the trailers make it out to be. By the way, I never go by the trailer... only stating the obvious. Anyway, having Jared Hess direct Jack Black was like putting a cock ring on a midget. It was pointless. It seemed that no matter how funny Jack tried to be, the director tightened his unfunny grip and said "hold it back". It was like watching Nascar with a British Announce Team. Funny but boring as all Hell.

Jack Black plays a friar who wants to be a wrestler. Though he lives in Mexico and they are called Luchadores. Now, Jack Black is such a good actor that half way through it, you forget he's doing an accent and start to believe he's this dirty mexican cook at a Catholic orphanage. The movie does have a moral, but what I took from it was don't write a check your ass can't cash. Jack Black did just that and begged for the spotlight only to have his dreams crushed by an uptight nun and little fat orphan kids. Now, if you'd have seen the shit he was feeding the kids, you'd wonder how there was a fat one. Genetics I guess.

Filled with storylines that really don't go anywhere but fit into what Jared Hess considers a comedic plot outline, Nacho Libre leaves you empty inside. No matter how hard Jack Black tries to be funny, he can't break the context of the role he's supplied, therefore rendering him useless like Superman wearing a Kryptonite Condom. It's amusing to watch, but don't go to the theater to see it. After three tickets, drinks, popcorn, and candy, I felt like Jared Hess sank even further into debt with me. After Napoleon Dynamite and now crippling Black's ability to turn the character on full force, I feel that bastard of a filmmaker Jared Hess owes me money.

All in all, it's worth seeing and MUCH better than Napoleon Dynamite, but just rent it or watch it on HBO once. Don't give Jared Hess anymore money people! I beg of you. It felt like Jack Black was directing himself at times, but doing it under some sort of mind control.

If you like Jack Black, rent it. If not, then may I suggest Napoleon Dynamite or Malibu's Most Wanted.

Rating:

From Dusk Til Dawn (1996)

From Dusk Till Dawn

1996

Starring: George Clooney, Harvey Keitel, Quentin Tarantino, Juliette Lewis, Cheech Marin, Ernest Liu

Directed By: Robert Rodriguez

Add one half action thriller and one half horror film, then blend together with excellent dialogue and you get From Dusk Till Dawn. What happened here is good friends Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino decided to make a vampire lovers wet dream and succeeded.

Two brothers, Seth (George Clooney) and Richard (Tarantino) Gecko, go on the run from robbing banks and end up in a small Texas town. They're on their way to Mexico to live the good life, but they've got one small problem: They can't cross the border because they're wanted men and the law is looking for them. So they do what any two men in their situation would do... they hijack and kidnap a family (Harvey Keitel, Juliette Lewis, & Ernest Liu) and their motor home to get across the border. The family happens to be somewhat disfunctional and down on their luck, which seems to get worse as the minutes clock by.

After barely crossing the border, the Geckos take the family to The Titty Twister, a Mexican strip club, where they're to wait until dawn on their contact which will show them to the good life. They keep the family with them to ensure that everything goes according to plan. What they don't know is that once the light goes down outside, the vampires who run the club come out to feed on the patrons.

In what is one of the best dialogue driven horror films ever, Robert Rodriguez sets up the first half of the film with a great action/thriller set up. Then, once all is calm and it looks as if the Gecko's are scott-free, all Hell breaks loose within the Titty Twister and everyone is scrambling to stay alive. The second half of this film keeps you on the edge of your seat as you see each great character come to terms with the supernatural beasts they're dealing with while trying to stay alive.

Here the acting is top-notch. George Clooney and Harvey Keitel carry this film with great support from their co-stars. The film even boasts three different roles from Cheech Marin, which are each different and hilarious in their own rights. With cameos from Tom Savini and Mexican regular, Danny Trejo, From Dusk Till Dawn's characters are all unique and well acted.

The direction from Robert Rodriguez is on par with his previous and future films, and he even ran most of the cameras here, which shows that he's probably one of the most diverse directors alive today. With excellent camera shots, perfect locations, and a top notch script (co-written by Tarantino), From Dusk Till Dawn goes beyond what a vampire action flick should be.

The special fx and makeup are excellent and KNB FX should recieve special commondation here. Not only is the vampire makeup great, the gore fx are off the charts. The editing and lighting are great and really enhance the mood. Overall, the production cost considerably less than most films nowadays cost, and you can't tell it one single bit.

I can honestly say that I've seen this movie over 150 times and I own 2 copies on DVD, 1 copy on VHS, and 1 copy (signed by Tom Savini) on Laserdisc. Needless to say, I love this movie and think very highly of it and the story surrounding it. If you ever pick up the 2 disc special edition DVD, check out the movie made about this movie called Full Tilt Boogie. It's basically a documentary on the making of From Dusk Till Dawn and gives you insight on virtually every aspect of how this movie was made.

In closing, this movie is absolutely brilliant. With very quotable dialogue and memorable lines, great scares and action, and superb character development, From Dusk Till Dawn is a film that will leave you satisfied but wanting more.

Rating:

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982)

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

1982

Starring: Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin, Michael Currie, Ralph Strait, Dan O'Herlihy

Directed By: Tommy Lee Wallace

From what I've looked up and read about on the lovely Internet about Halloween 3, it appears that producer John Carpenter wanted to steer the Halloween series away from slasher Michael Myers and onto more of a Twilight Zone themed film franchise. Yes after Halloween 3, Carpenter went to rehab for crack because he knew then that it wasn't fuel for his creative fire.

Halloween 3 is basically about a psychotic toymaker who plans to kill millions of innocent children worldwide on Halloween night through the use of scary masks. No this isn't an original version of Scream, it's Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. This has absolutely nothing to do with the first two Halloween movies, nor does it have anything to do with Michael Myers or anything else sensible. After setting out to figure out what's going on with these masks, Daniel Challis (Tom Atkins) traces all evidence to a Conal Cochran (Dan O'Herlihy), who owns a toy company and uses some kind of retarded black magic in conjunciton with a transmitter embedded within the masks. Yes, he's got a transmitter in the masks and using black magic that will kill a bunch of children.

Now, I'm all for the mass slaughter of children in horror movies, but only if it's justified. You know, like Village of the Damned or something. Here it seems pointless and stupid. The simple titling of this movie with a Halloween moniker suggests that it will be good and right up there with the first two films. However, with the subtitle Season of the Witch, we get the feeling that someone is on crack and trying to make a quick buck at the sake of a worthy franchise. Why? To buy more crack. Had this simply been called Season of the Witch and didn't have the Halloween 3 title, it might be somewhat better of a movie. Wait, did I just say that? Ok, it wouldn't have made it better, but it at least wouldn't have besmirched the good name of the Halloween franchise.

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace and produced by John Carpenter, Halloween 3 lacks in every aspect that made the first two movies good. In fact, I can't say anything good about this movie. The plot device in using Halloween masks to kill a bunch of kids is basically ripped from a lost episode of Scooby Doo. I was just waiting at the end for "Old Man Smithers" to blame something on some meddling kids somewhere. This movie is just bad and I can't believe that Carpenter actually put his name on it. I'm thinking it was done at gunpoint or he owed someone a favor.

Director Tommy Lee Wallace has had a career of near hits but mostly misses. Almost all but two films have been made for TV movies or shows. Let's evaluate his directing resume for a moment: The New Adventures of Flipper, Baywatch, Max Headroom, Born Free, and Stephen King's IT. Ok, besides IT, he also directed the not-so-good-but-seemingly-OK Fright Night part 2. He had two decent flicks, one of which was made for TV, out of his entire career. Needless to say, he's been sort of the Chicago Cubs of directing. You know, he's came close twice, but his career is filled with disappointment after disappointment.

With that said about the directing in this film, the acting is actually worse. The casting director on this film must have had a personal vendetta to resolve with Tommy Lee Wallace and John Carpenter, because the actors in this film absolutely suck. I'd go into more detail, but no one from the cast has ever done anything worth a shit, so I'm not going to even bother. Let's just say that I've seen better acting from ABC AfterSchool Specials.

As far as the rest of the movie: ie- special fx, editing, writing, etc... it's all CRAP. Yes, that's right... crap. No redeeming quality here would make you want to watch this movie once let alone, more than once. However, I watched it once more just to do this review. Being drunk or under the influence of some mind altering substance may have helped, but I'm sure 90 percent of the audience in 1982 was sober, so that's how I viewed this monstrocity car wreck of a film. Looking back, I should have got a complimentary bottle of Tequila with my rental to help numb the pain.

Rating:

Napoleon Dynamite (2003)

Napoleon Dynamite

2003

Starring: Jon Heder, Jon Gries, Efren Ramirez, Diedrich Bader, Aaron Ruell

Directed By: Jared Hess

Do you like watching losers make complete idiots of themselves? Do you smile and laugh at others' misfortunes? Do you like retarded ass movies with no plot? If so, then Napoleon Dynamite is for you. If Napoleon Dynamite happens to be your kind of movie... quickly load the closest gun, put that gun in your mouth, and then pull the trigger. If you like Napoleon Dynamite, you have no sense of what a good movie is or can be.

Napoleon Dynamite is about the world's largest nerd played by Jon Heder. He plays Napoleon so well that I actually thought they got some mentally retarded reject from The Ringer auditions to play him. Written and Directed by Jared Hess (Nacho Libre), Napoleon Dynamite has absolutely no plot and is a complete waste of 89 minutes of your life. I can't believe I actually sat and watched this movie. I think I was waiting for something funny to happen and it never came. This movie is like having bad sex and then not reaching climax. Actually, this movie is like having bad sex, never reaching climax, and then catching the herpes. Yes, this bad movie will stay with you for life... just like herpes.

I'd go into detail on the plot, but it doesn't have one. The closest thing to a plot is Napoleon learning to dance (very badly I might add) in his own free time and then displaying his retarded jive in front of his high school class. That's about all the plot I could get out of it. In fact, I can't see what in the hell people see in this movie. It's not funny, it has no plot, it's horribly acted and directed, and I wanted to kick Jon Heder's ass the whole 89 minutes he was onscreen.

You know, I was actually going to be nice at one point during this review, but I'm so mad that I had to endure the shitfest that this movie was, I'm not going to hold back. So, if you liked this movie, PLEASE STOP READING HERE, because I don't want to upset you as readers and have you unsubscribe to my blog. In fact, unsubscribing to my blog over this film might just cause me to do something really, really bad to the creators of Napoleon Dynamite. You know, like send them free acting, writing, and directing lessons.

Apparently, Jared Hess and the rest of the fucking morons who made this movie thought it was funny enough to unleash on the world. Well, guess what? They were fucking wrong. Then, what's worse, this movie spawns God awful catchphrases like: "Friggin' sweet!" and "Vote for Pedro!". You know what I say? Fuck Pedro! That's what! Pedro happens to be Napoleons greasy little latino friend (I'll be nice) and to be honest, when I seen him onscreen, I thought that he should spend about 10 minutes in a carwash getting all the slime out of his hair.

This movie was beyond bad. In fact, it was so bad that about twenty or so real mentally retarded people actually spontaneously combusted from the magnitude of it's lameness. I can't believe that thirteen year old girls would cream their panties over this garbage. Oh wait, this is the era of N-Sync, Brittney Spears, and American Idol... so yeah, I believe it. I can't believe that anyone actually liked this movie. I put it there BELOW crap. This movie is like a foul smelling hooker vagina. Once you get a whiff, that's it. You can't get the stain off you no matter how hard you try. And that's what this movie did to me... it stained me. Stained me bad.

I mentioned earlier that I watched it in anticipation of something to happen, something funny, something terrible and bad, just something. I was let down and wasted 89 minutes of my life, and when the end credits rolled, I cursed the name of Jared Hess and vowed that I would never watch this crap again. I guess thinking back, I wanted Napoleon to die. I wanted him to be a martyr for all the nerds out there and take one for the team. I wanted to see someone come in and say: "Hey, Napoleon, we're going to crucify you today so that nerds around the world can live in peace." Guess what, it never happened. I wanted Napoleon to die for something, anything... just die. He deserved it, needed it, and death called his name. But death seen this movie and figured that some things are worse than death, so death let this movie be released and then killed himself.

I consider myself a geek or nerd. Hell, I like Transformers, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, GI Joe, He Man, and 80's music, but Napoleon made me feel bad for calling myself a geek. I'm a cool geek because I understand the principles to being such. I like my laserdisc collection and my Harry Potter books, but Napoleon Dynamite takes being a geek too far. It's kind of like calling Keanu Reeves an actor. It's just not true, and therefore this film is a lie. Napoleon isn't a nerd or geek, he's a complete fuck and there's a difference. He's a complete tool to society, a giant penis of a man who's only use is to stimulate the ego's of those around him. Unfortunately, there wasn't any stimulation going on for me while watching it.

There is not enough Paxil or Xanax in the world to make me watch this again. It's depressing enough and should not be shown to suicidal people. If I've offended anyone who actually likes this movie, then I have a suggestion... go fucking kill yourself, because liking this movie is just begging for the sweet embrace of death. Oh wait, death killed himself after watching this... so... um... oh fuck it, I'm tired of writing about this crap.

Rating: Yeah, like I'd even give this piece of shit a rating. I wouldn't wipe my ass with this movie if it were the last piece of toilet paper on earth. I'd use my hand instead.

Malibu's Most Wanted (2003)

Malibu's Most Wanted

2003

Starring: Jamie Kennedy, Blair Underwood, Taye Diggs, Anthony Anderson, Regina Hall

Directed By: John Whitesell

You viewers picked the movie, and now as promised, I shall review Malibu's Most Wanted. I gave you a list of movies that you wanted to see me tear into like a savage wolf on fresh meat and you chose this one. Well, I hope everyone is satisfied with what I have to say.

Malibu's Most Wanted is about some little wigger (Jamie Kennedy) who thinks that he's black and from the ghetto. His congressman dad hires two actors (Taye Diggs & Anthony Anderson) to drop him off in the "real" ghetto and scare the black out of him. That's it. That's the plot. I've thought of better plots and ideas for movies while vomiting up my lunch.

The story: sucks. The acting: sucks. The directing: sucks. Personally I'd like to find the guys who decided that this would be a good movie and beat the living shit out of them. Director John Whitesell is a no-talent director helming a cast and crew of no-talent morons. With a name like Whitesell, you shouldn't make a movie about wannabe black thugs. He should more or less be called Whitesell-out. Whitesell can be taken as a decendant from a slave owner name, which in this day and age is politically incorrect. With his name alone going against him, directing this movie is not a good way to get ahead in life. The worst part here is his directing resume', which includes: Big Momma's House 2 and Cat's & Dogs 2: Tinkle's Revenge. This man's career couldn't be much worse.

Now, on to Jamie Kennedy, who also co-wrote this garbage. Let's see what Jamie Kennedy has done: Son of the Mask, Scream, Scream 2, and Scream 3. Ok, first off, this jack-off hasn't done shit that makes me want to praise his acting ability, and after seeing Malibu's Most Wanted, I want to douse his acting ability with gasoline and set it on fire. In fact, if burning Jamie Kennedy alive meant that I also would go up in flames with him, then consider me ready to die.

The rest of the cast must have been handsomly paid, because I can't think of any other reason to be a part of this travesty except for money. In Anthony Anderson's case, a year supply of donuts would have done the trick. Any moron with a second grade education could have written this garbage, but it took 4 (yes 4) people to write the script. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT TELL YOU? Four people sat around, smoked some pot, and said: "Hey, let's write a movie about some wannabe white thug and it won't star Eminem, but instead, Jamie Kennedy. Hey Jamie, pass the joint please." Yup, that's what happened, and in an hour and four bags of doritos later, they had a script. Then, Jamie Kennedy sucked some guy off to get funding, then gave John Whitesell a hand-job to direct, because Jamie Kennedy directing is like seeing Ted Kennedy (who just may be his uncle) at happy hour at the strip club.

This movie is so fucking horrible, I had to punch myself in the balls repeatedly to stay focused in order to give it a review. In fact, several times I found myself spacing out and fantasizing about killing everyone who was involved with this movie. Punching myself in the balls helped me redirect my anger and focus long enough to get this blog out. Hell, punching myself in the balls was actually less painful than this movie was. The only thing redeeming about it is when the end credits begin to roll and you know that relief has just came. Like a swift death, the movie is over. Clocking in at 86 minutes, this film happens to be 86 minutes to long.

Malibu's Most Wanted is racist in every aspect, and I'm suprised that the ghost of Malcom X didn't return to seek Jamie Kennedy out and crucify him on the lawn of John Whitesell. Severly retarded, ignorant, and unfunny, Malibu's Most Wanted proves without a shadow of a doubt that someone took a big shit on top of Hollywood and flushed... then the toilet got clogged from too much toilet paper from wiping the ass of the clown who gave these fucknuts money!!!

I honestly can't believe someone forked over the cash to fund this movie, let alone supported the idea of it long enough to see it get played worldwide at theaters. When this movie was released at the theaters, I have a feeling that God killed a kitten over this bullshit.

Rating: No turd given here to this giant shitfest of a movie. In fact, I should have turned this dreck off about 30 seconds in.

Land of the Dead (2005)

Land of the Dead

2005

Starring: Simon Baker, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Asia Argento, Robert Joy

Directed By: George A. Romero

It's really hard for me to review this film. As a fan of George Romero's work, I can try and be unbiased as possible, but if it were another Romero film review, it would be much harder. Land of the Dead is the fourth installment in the Romero zombie saga with the first film being Night of the Living Dead (1968), then followed by Dawn of the Dead (1978), and then capped off with Day of the Dead (1985). Seeing as this is the fourth film and I have yet to review the others, I'll do my best to try and fill everyone in.

In Night of the Living Dead, the dead begin to walk the earth. In Dawn of the Dead, the dead have increased in numbers and force a group of survivors into a shopping mall. Day of the Dead, although mediocre in comparison to the previous two, shows government testing on zombies and their intelligence. With Land of the Dead, the zombies have basically taken over the earth and forced most people into large cities surrounded by giant walls.

Every Romero film is socialistic in nature and those overtones show through just as much now as they did in 1968 with Night of the Living Dead. With the wealthy held up in skyscrapers and basically running the cities, the poor and socially inept people are forced to live in the streets and off of basically table scraps to survive. With zombies at every other step outside of these cities, wouldn't it be smart for everyone to be classified in the same social category to survive and restore humanity? That would be the logical step, but like Romero's films and real life, humans are greedy and selfish and that isn't the case.

Land of the Dead centers around a group of mercenaries for hire who go outside of the cities, battle zombies, and bring supplies back to the rich folk. Mercs Riley (Simon Baker) and Cholo (John Leguizamo) work for Kaufman (Dennis Hopper) and head up the mercenaries that look for supplies. They drive a big tank/truck around that Riley designed, which helps them roll through groups of zombies with ease. When Riley decides it's time to retire and move to Canada (which apparently has very few zombies) and Cholo realizes that Kaufman is a completely selfish douche, they part ways and start planning their own goals out. Riley comes to the conclusion that Canada needs to be the place to retire and Cholo decides to steal the tank and try and sell it back to Kaufman. So, before Riley can leave, Kaufman enlists him to retrieve his tank because he's the only one who knows how to really get it back.

Now, the plot is rather simple, especially for a Romero flick, but the film is probably the goriest of the four zombie films he's done. In fact, in Romero's world, things have become so bad that zombies are actually a part of life now. They have begun to show intelligence and begin to flock toward the large city. The troupe of zombies is led by a large, black zombie who totes a machine gun around. Now, if you've seen a Romero film, the black guy is usually one of the non-zombie characters. Here, he's the lead zombie. This doesn't bother me as much as the intelligence shown by the zombies. They begin to think (which would seem impossible due to decomposing brains) freely instead of going on animalistic instincts. The black zombie even begins to learn how the machine gun works and he uses it against the humans. He even leads other zombies, while communicating through a series of grunts and growls, to take on the humans and fight back.

What is the underlying meaning here? Opression. For so long the zombies have been killed off and are now being used as novelty acts within these large cities. Romero shows more of the zombie side of things this time around and gives us a humanistic view of the walking dead. That sounds strange, but it's true. Romero's films have always housed some sort of social commentary, and Land of the Dead is no different. In fact, if you look at the way the rich and poor are divided within a city surrounded by zombies, you'll see the metaphor of today's society.

My only real problems with this film are small, but important to make a good film, and they are all things that Romero has done in the past but doesn't seem to pull together here. For instance, the character development is really weak except for Cholo and the lead black zombie. Everyone else you really don't care about, but why focus on a zombie when there are human characters to focus on. I'm not saying not to focus on the lead zombie and his new-found intelligence, but instead share it with the main character Riley or Kaufman.

The script is probably the weakest of all of Romero's films, as is the editing and directing. This doesn't make it bad, but the film felt like it was either rushed or that not enough care was put into it like the previous three films. Sure Day of the Dead was probably the worst of the four, but it at least had decent character development, which is absent from Land of the Dead. The editing seemed to choppy in parts and too much like horror films that are being turned out left and right today. With a tighter overall cut, it would have at least felt like a Romero film instead of a Romero tribute film.

Did I like Land of the Dead? Sure I did. The gore and makeup fx were awesome and the acting was good for such a weak story and script. The movie definately had it's moments that you know you're watching a Romero film, but overall it didn't feel like good 'ol George was there with us the whole time. The movie had some really cool concepts, but ultimately, I didn't like the new zombie intelligence factored in because it took away from what a zombie film is about: human resistance and struggle. Some things just seemed like they were placed in just for a "cool" factor and some things really worked well within the film.

Overall, Land of the Dead isn't a bad film, in fact it's a pretty decent movie. It's just that after watching the previous three Dead movies, Land kind of lacks what made the others great. At times it feels too forced and other times it feels too loose. This is a good movie that lacks the greatness of the other three. I really liked it and I liked a lot of the concepts within, but to me it's not the better of the four. It's good for what it is and it's a good way to sort of show the progression from Night of the Living Dead, but it's not the direction I would have imagined Romero taking it.

I recommend watching Land of the Dead, but only after watching the previous three zombie films to see where the history lies.

Rating: