Napoleon Dynamite (2003)

Napoleon Dynamite

2003

Starring: Jon Heder, Jon Gries, Efren Ramirez, Diedrich Bader, Aaron Ruell

Directed By: Jared Hess

Do you like watching losers make complete idiots of themselves? Do you smile and laugh at others' misfortunes? Do you like retarded ass movies with no plot? If so, then Napoleon Dynamite is for you. If Napoleon Dynamite happens to be your kind of movie... quickly load the closest gun, put that gun in your mouth, and then pull the trigger. If you like Napoleon Dynamite, you have no sense of what a good movie is or can be.

Napoleon Dynamite is about the world's largest nerd played by Jon Heder. He plays Napoleon so well that I actually thought they got some mentally retarded reject from The Ringer auditions to play him. Written and Directed by Jared Hess (Nacho Libre), Napoleon Dynamite has absolutely no plot and is a complete waste of 89 minutes of your life. I can't believe I actually sat and watched this movie. I think I was waiting for something funny to happen and it never came. This movie is like having bad sex and then not reaching climax. Actually, this movie is like having bad sex, never reaching climax, and then catching the herpes. Yes, this bad movie will stay with you for life... just like herpes.

I'd go into detail on the plot, but it doesn't have one. The closest thing to a plot is Napoleon learning to dance (very badly I might add) in his own free time and then displaying his retarded jive in front of his high school class. That's about all the plot I could get out of it. In fact, I can't see what in the hell people see in this movie. It's not funny, it has no plot, it's horribly acted and directed, and I wanted to kick Jon Heder's ass the whole 89 minutes he was onscreen.

You know, I was actually going to be nice at one point during this review, but I'm so mad that I had to endure the shitfest that this movie was, I'm not going to hold back. So, if you liked this movie, PLEASE STOP READING HERE, because I don't want to upset you as readers and have you unsubscribe to my blog. In fact, unsubscribing to my blog over this film might just cause me to do something really, really bad to the creators of Napoleon Dynamite. You know, like send them free acting, writing, and directing lessons.

Apparently, Jared Hess and the rest of the fucking morons who made this movie thought it was funny enough to unleash on the world. Well, guess what? They were fucking wrong. Then, what's worse, this movie spawns God awful catchphrases like: "Friggin' sweet!" and "Vote for Pedro!". You know what I say? Fuck Pedro! That's what! Pedro happens to be Napoleons greasy little latino friend (I'll be nice) and to be honest, when I seen him onscreen, I thought that he should spend about 10 minutes in a carwash getting all the slime out of his hair.

This movie was beyond bad. In fact, it was so bad that about twenty or so real mentally retarded people actually spontaneously combusted from the magnitude of it's lameness. I can't believe that thirteen year old girls would cream their panties over this garbage. Oh wait, this is the era of N-Sync, Brittney Spears, and American Idol... so yeah, I believe it. I can't believe that anyone actually liked this movie. I put it there BELOW crap. This movie is like a foul smelling hooker vagina. Once you get a whiff, that's it. You can't get the stain off you no matter how hard you try. And that's what this movie did to me... it stained me. Stained me bad.

I mentioned earlier that I watched it in anticipation of something to happen, something funny, something terrible and bad, just something. I was let down and wasted 89 minutes of my life, and when the end credits rolled, I cursed the name of Jared Hess and vowed that I would never watch this crap again. I guess thinking back, I wanted Napoleon to die. I wanted him to be a martyr for all the nerds out there and take one for the team. I wanted to see someone come in and say: "Hey, Napoleon, we're going to crucify you today so that nerds around the world can live in peace." Guess what, it never happened. I wanted Napoleon to die for something, anything... just die. He deserved it, needed it, and death called his name. But death seen this movie and figured that some things are worse than death, so death let this movie be released and then killed himself.

I consider myself a geek or nerd. Hell, I like Transformers, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, GI Joe, He Man, and 80's music, but Napoleon made me feel bad for calling myself a geek. I'm a cool geek because I understand the principles to being such. I like my laserdisc collection and my Harry Potter books, but Napoleon Dynamite takes being a geek too far. It's kind of like calling Keanu Reeves an actor. It's just not true, and therefore this film is a lie. Napoleon isn't a nerd or geek, he's a complete fuck and there's a difference. He's a complete tool to society, a giant penis of a man who's only use is to stimulate the ego's of those around him. Unfortunately, there wasn't any stimulation going on for me while watching it.

There is not enough Paxil or Xanax in the world to make me watch this again. It's depressing enough and should not be shown to suicidal people. If I've offended anyone who actually likes this movie, then I have a suggestion... go fucking kill yourself, because liking this movie is just begging for the sweet embrace of death. Oh wait, death killed himself after watching this... so... um... oh fuck it, I'm tired of writing about this crap.

Rating: Yeah, like I'd even give this piece of shit a rating. I wouldn't wipe my ass with this movie if it were the last piece of toilet paper on earth. I'd use my hand instead.