King Kung Fu (1976)

King Kung Fu
1976
Starring: Lance D. Hayes, Allan Baker, Dan Campbell, Tim McGill

Directed By: Lance D. Hayes

A friend of mine gave me a copy of this a few years ago and I promised I'd do a review. The thing is, I've literally spent like two years trying to forget this movie, so in a demented way to cleanse myself of this "movie", I'm returning with what might be the worst (or best) review ever. Warning, this won't be for the faint of heart.

According to IMDB, the plot is this:

A remote monastery in China has trained a talking gorilla, King Kung Fu, in the ancient art of kung fu. Having mastered his fighting skills, King Kung Fu is sent to America to demonstrate the power of Chinese martial arts to the West. As he is travelling through Kansas, a pair of bumbling reports see King Kung Fu and decide he can be their ticket to fame and wealth. Of course, the gorilla gets away from them, and soon everyone is chasing the Shaolin simian.

Now, I'm not even going to summarize my own plot because wasting my breath on that while I could use it to give my thoughts just isn't worth it. Before I get to my own review, apparently this movie got it's share of "bad press", so I'm going to give you all a treat. Actual words from the Director complaining about "why" this movie sucked so hard.

"I've lived with this movie, King Kung Fu for over 30 years now, and have heard every kind of remark known to mankind about it. When we started this movie in 1974, we were the first to use the new 16mm negative film. Had we finished it on time, we would have been out before "Airplane". This film allowed us to "Blow it up" to 35mm for theatrical release. Naturally it played to big crowds in Wichita, and was actually held over for another week, and did well then too. We played it at the Wichita Orpheum as a fund raiser for restoring the theater. A week before the Wizard of Oz played there. KKF drew 5 people less than OZ, which says something. I don't know what. Anyway, when the movie played there two years ago, the audience laughed throughout the movie, and then bought a lot of VHS tapes, T-shirts and posters, all of which contributed to the fund raising. I had several comments following the movie, like "If people can laugh at your movie 30 years later, you must have done something right". Thus, I am truly puzzled by nasty reviews claiming this to be the worst movie ever. I can assure you I have seen a lot of movies worse than mine. We stuck by our guns in 1974 to make a "G" rated movie, and had to fight the MPAA to get it. If you really watch this movie closely, you will see it is not a backyard production. We busted our buns to make it work. Enjoy"

First off, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!? Why defend this movie? It's like defending OJ Simpson. You may win the argument, but you know he's guilty of murder. Same case here. You know you made a bad movie and committed film murder, so why bother to defend yourself? WHY? You say you stuck to your guns to get that "G" rating? Why not stick that same gun in your mouth, pull the trigger, and spare society the embarassment of watching you take a shit on us for 85 minutes. I don't like to be shit on, and by watching this movie, that's exactly what I got: A giant fucking turd smacked across my face. You say your film drew 5 less people than the Wizard of Oz and you don't know what that means? People like trainwrecks and will crawl out of the bowels of society to see one. That's why pal.

For one, you can't call the acting in this movie acting. It's caricature. It's overdone and overplayed and exaggerated beyond belief. A "modern day" sheriff that acts just like John Wayne? Is that supposed to be funny? Seriously? That guy couldn't even wash John Wayne's taint, much less have the audacity to act like him. What gives you the right to fuck with "The Duke" in such a way? The rest of the acting will literally make you want to impale yourself on plastic cutlery over and over until death comes for you. It's simply that bad. There is not one redeeming thing to say about the acting or the people cast in this movie.

The script. Shit. Plain and simple. How dare this man compare this movie to Airplane? How dare he? Airplane was funny. This is funny in one of those awkward "I just shit my pants on the escalator and I hope the guy behind me with his nose in my ass doesn't notice" situations. You feel dirty watching this movie and hope to God that there is enough bleach manufactured to scrub your eyes with. It's written as if a team of four year olds threw darts at random ideas and recycled movie plots taped to a dartboard and they put them down in no apparent order.

The direction: Well, I wipe my ass with the direction. I see now where Dreamworks got their idea for Kung Fu Panda. Seriously. The only difference is that they animated it, got good people to write it, got a director that didn't seem to ride an unnatural short bus, and got good actors to voice the characters. Oh yeah, they animated theirs because MOVIES LIKE THIS SHOULD BE ANIMATED and not disguised thinly as a "quality movie". How dare this asshole compare his movie to Airplane? The only truth he spoke was that it wasn't a backyard production. No, it was a third grade production.

Believe it or not, it was shot on film and I understand where the money went. It didn't go into polishing that script or getting good actors. It went for the bragging rights of "Hey, we shot this turd on film" argument that most BAD filmmakers use. I don't care if this movie was filmed on construction paper. It would still suck the life out of you and leave you looking like those souless slave muppets in The Dark Crystal.

The best (or worst) part of the whole movie: The special effects. A jackass in a gorilla suit (like we're supposed to believe that shit) and the epic King Kong-esque climax on top of a building complete with stop-motion GI JOE action figures and a play-doh gorilla. I shit you not. I've dropped prettier pieces of shit in the toilet. First off, the gorilla suit guy as "King Kung Fu". WHAT THE FUCK? Ok, I get it. You didn't have enough money for a real gorilla and CGI wouldn't be invented for another couple of years, so I'll give you that one for comedic purposes. The stop-motion, play-doh, GI JOE doll climax? Fuck you! Don't even say that this was supposed to even remotely look cool. It looked like playtime after lunch in the retard classroom.

According to the filmmakers it took years to get this movie finished because the blind assholes givng them money kept dropping the funds out from under them. NO FUCKING WAY!!! Stevie Wonder can see that this movie is fucking awful. In fact, this movie blinded Stevie Wonder and caused Ray Charles to do heroin. The reason money kept getting taken away is because the filmmakers kept taking shits on their financial backers. I wouldn't throw them 20 bucks either.

All in all, if I had my choice of eating undigested corn and peanuts out of a dead mans ass or watching King Kung Fu again, I'd grab a spoon and say what's for dinner. I'd rather wake up with morning wood, piss straight up into my own mouth, and then drink it than to watch this again. I hope that somewhere, someone has beaten someone severely for allowing this movie to get made, let alone released to the public. There are movies that are so bad they're good. This isn't one of them. I'd say that this is worse than shit. This movie is the equivalent of taking a huge liquid shit after a two day bender of drinking and eating Mexican food, then taking that shit and mixing it in a blender with rotten animal parts, then blending you a nice protein shake. Actually, this movie is the 2 girls 1 cup of traditional cinema without the nice lesbian chicks to make the shit and vomit easier to swallow.

I'd rate this movie, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Rating: None