House of Wax (2005)

House of Wax

2005

Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton

Directed By: Jaume Collet-Serra

Ok, this came on HBO recently and I decided to watch it for one reason and one reason only: To see Paris Hilton DIE! Yes, that's correct. I suffered almost two hours to see one person, whom I cannot stand to even look at, die a horrible death. Am I sick and twisted? Maybe, but I literally hate Paris Hilton and would suffer even the worst of movies just to watch her die a horrible death. Was I taking a gamble and thinking that maybe she wouldn't die? Of course, but even the slightest chance of her death would be totally worth it in my book. With that said, on to the movie.

This, like 90f all horror movies in the last five years, is a remake. If you haven't seen either movie, save yourself the trouble (unless you have a Paris Hilton death fetish like me) and just go watch the original. This movie is a mess. The "plot" or if you could call it that, involves a group of kids who are traveling (hmmm... Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Tourist Trap anyone?) and they get stuck in some bumfucked redneck hillbilly town. The thing is, there are only a few actual people who come in contact with the kids. The rest of the people are wax dummies. Yes, that's what I said, wax dummies.

The kids soon learn that nothing is as it seems and start dropping faster than Paris Hilton's cell phone hackers. They end up in the "House of Wax" museum, which is actually made completely of wax itself. They eventually figure out that two brothers, one of whom is retarded and disfigured, are actually killing people and dipping them in wax to later put on display. That's about it. Same old we're trapped in redneckville and it's time to run for our lives routine that's been done so many times, I'm not sure it's even entertaining anymore.

Now, on to the acting. Horrible. Bad. Repulsive. Need I say more? There isn't one good thing I can say about anyone in the cast, especially Paris Hilton, who apparently felt that her porno debut wasn't enough, so she does some striptease in the woods while her boyfriend gets stabbed in the throat. Seems to me they made up for the shitty story and acting and replaced it with gratuitous nudity..sex and gore.

Speaking of the gore, it's actually not bad and the only good thing I can say about this movie. The special fx makeup people probably got another script and were lied to because it's just too good for this movie. And now, my favorite part: PARIS HILTON'S DEATH. First she gets trapped in some car garage, running around for her life. Then, she gets her heels sliced open and hides in a car for like five minutes. Does she live? Hell no, she's got the best death in the whole movie. The killer (whom I believe was the deformed retard) throws a pipe straight through the car window and impales the bitch between the eyes. YES!!!!!!! She then falls forward, further pushing the pipe through her head and just hangs there on her knees. Sounds like her porno, I know, but the whole movie was worth watching just to see her die. Now, if someone in real life could make that happen.........

As far as the script, directing, or anything else (besides the gore fx)... I honestly didn't care. I watched it for one reason and like I said, seeing Ms. Hilton bite the big one (hahahaha) was worth the time spent. Was the movie any good Stephen? No, it was complete trash and a blasphemy to the original's good name. To be honest, there was nothing good about House of Wax, and unless you just want to see Paris Hilton die, skip this one all together.

I commend the special fx team for actually seeing this through until the end and not going off to work on something else. I'm sure the paycheck was worth it, but principals alone would have driven me away. I wouldn't have even wanted to be the set's doughnut guy after seeing House of Wax.

To me, this falls under the "trendy horror" remake syndrome and is aimed at mindless morons who have no respect and understanding for the horror genre. After watching the film, I felt completely empty inside, which is probably the same feeling everyone who worked on this (except Paris Hilton) felt.

Skip this film like you would a crack house on the corner of a bad neighborhood.

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