Welcome to Cinema Dump

Due to the heavy traffic with the other Blog, we've decided to relocate here. This way, all film reviews and everything else can be categorized and organized for your reading pleasure. All old film reviews are in the process of being transfered over, so be patient. It's going to take some time to move and sort all the old reviews.


Also implemented was a newer rating system based on turds. See the Official Rating System entry on what the individual ratings mean.

Enjoy......

Cinema Dump Rating System

Five Turds

The absolute worst that a movie can offer you.
The worst of the worst and bottom of the

filmmaking barrel. Avoid at all costs.

Four Turds

Not the absolute worst, but close. There

might be a few redeeming qualities that

make you able to watch without vomiting,

but not many.

Three Turds

About average. Not the best, but

certainly not the worst. About the

middle of the road.

Two Turds

Above average filmmaking. Something
about this movie stands out and is actually
very enjoyable. A definate recommend.

One Turd

The best you can get. The pinnacle of
filmmaking and a nearly perfect film.
There is very little to complain about and
this film is considered to be golden.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
2009
Starring: Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, John Turturro, Kevin Dunn, and Peter Cullen
Directed By: Michael Bay

**Caution: Review contains spoilers**

Well, lets get the plot out of the way first. According to IMDB, the plot goes like this:

Decepticon forces return to Earth on a mission to take Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) prisoner, after the young hero learns the truth about the ancient origins of the Transformers. Joining the mission to protect humankind is Optimus Prime, who forms an alliance with international armies for a second epic battle.

That's pretty much it. Sure there's a little more to it, but ultimately the plot fails to be fully fleshed out to it's potential. Before we get into that, let's go back a little bit.

I never reviewed the first Transformers movie, but I liked it a lot. I had a few issues with it, seeing as I was a G1 fan (Generation One or Original 1980's Cartoon Series), but all in all it was a decent movie that I enjoyed watching. I ultimately felt that the biggest flaw was that the Transformers (except for Optimus Prime) didn't really have much character or personality.

Now I just saw the sequel and have mixed feelings. I feel that a lot of the things that were wrong with the first one got corrected here. However, with those corrections, more errors were made. I'm not being picky here either. Here the giant robots actually had personality and character, and a few actually were spot on as to their cartoon counterparts we all loved, but some had too much character.

A few of the robots felt like they attended the George Lucas house of Jar Jar. Some were downright annoying and poorly written, while some just resorted to foul language and slapstick comedy to move them along from scene to scene. This wouldn't be bad for any other movie, but in Transformers, it just doesn't work. I mean, at one point I just shook my head at the lame jokes and poor characters on the screen. That hurt my inner child a little bit.

Shia LeBeouf, I have come to realize, is a douchebag. Plain and simple. He's always the same character in every movie, and he's totally lost his charm. His characters are constantly manic, frantic, and slightly neurotic with odd facial spasms and ticks. After Disturbia, Transformers, Eagle Eye, and Indiana Jones, Shia LeBeouf just recycles the same characters around with new dialogue. It's kind of sad and pathetic that he's as popular as he is, and considering the little talent he posesses, it's sad and pathetic no one in Hollywood has noticed. He isn't all that bad, as he serves the purpose in each movie he's in, but don't expect him to have the long career that most in his shoes would have.

Other than that, the acting this time around is pretty solid considering the weak story. It's not poorly written, but instead just shallow plot points spread out over 2 hours and 20 minutes. Those plot points actually revolve around the action, so you can expect plot development about every 20 minutes or so. I didn't mind the length of the film, just the lack of a solid story. It was paper thin and just didn't do much for me. The character of The Fallen was totally disposable and unneeded. Considering he was in the movie a whole 2 minutes, he wasn't really necessary to anything. That's another gripe. Lack of screentime. There were like 20 new Transformers this time around and very few were shown longer than a minute or two. Why not add like 6 or 8 new ones and flesh out why they're there? Because it would be obvious and make sense and Hollywood is not known for making sense. One character from old that made it in was the female Autobot RC. RC is shown at the beginning for all of 10 seconds and then shown randomly at the end getting ripped apart for another 3 seconds. So, was this character needed for 13 seconds just to satisfy the fans? I don't think so.

On the plus side, Soundwave was there with original voice and it brought back that nostalgia from childhood. However, Soundwave and a few others were more than enough to satisfy. Did we need the wanna-be gangsta rapping Autobot twins Mudflap and Skids? Hell no. They were pointless and I had Jar Jar flashbacks for half of the movie.

With the negative out of the way, the movie actually was pretty good. Just not something very solid in the plot department. The action sequences were phenominal and totally elevated the action from the first film. Robots fighting robots with more than static punches was a major plus. Explosions, destruction, and lots of guns totally made this popcorn flick more than worth the price of admission. There were a lot of things I could pick apart, but apart from the weak plot and annoying robots, I'm not going to bother. The point is, I enjoyed myself and felt I got my money's worth. I'll more than likely pick up the Blu-Ray when it comes out, so that should say something.

All in all, good popcorn flick. Decent sequel, but not as good as the original. Had the story been fleshed out better, a few Transformers omitted, and less Shia LeBeouf facial spasms, this movie could have topped the first installment.



Rating:

Year One (2009)

Year One

2009

Starring: Jack Black, Michael Cera, Oliver Platt, Vinnie Jones, Hank Azaria,

Directed By: Harold Ramis

Someone is getting fired. I know it. I can feel it deep in my bones. Someone's job got stripped from them when this movie came out. Before I get into that, let's see what this trainwreck of a movie's plot is.

According to IGN, the plot is as follows:

Year One, directed by Harold Ramis and produced by Judd Apatow, follows Zed (Jack Black) and Oh (Michael Cera), a hapless pair of Paleolithic hunter-gatherers who embark on the world's first road trip. Zed deems himself "Chosen" by God after he eats the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Banished from their primitive tribe, the two embark on a journey to find out what life is all about, encountering several Old Testament figures along the way.

They first meet Cain (David Cross), who slays his brother Abel (Paul Rudd) over a simple disagreement that Zed and Oh inadvertently start. Fearing Cain's wrath, they reluctantly follow him back to his home to meet his parents Adam (Harold Ramis) and Eve (Rhoda Griffis) and siblings Lilith and Seth. Zed and Oh later cross paths with Abraham (Hank Azaria) as he is about to slay his son Isaac (Christopher Mintz-Plasse).

Zed and Oh eventually find themselves in the notorious city of Sodom, where they clash with the King (Xander Berkeley), the High Priest (Oliver Platt), and the head of the palace guard (Vinnie Jones). Once there, they must prove themselves by rescuing the respective objects of their affections Maya (June Diane Raphael) and Eema (Juno Temple) from slavery.

For the record, I really like Jack Black and Harold Ramis. Heck, I even like most of the supporting cast in Year One. After seeing this abomination of a comedy, I've lost some respect for everyone who had anything to do with this movie. I never liked Michael Cera to start with, so as far as he goes, I had nothing to lose with him. The problem is, Harold Ramis is either responsible for or had a lot to do with some of the greatest comedies in the last 30 years. Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, Meatballs, Stripes, and Animal House. All classic comedies right? Well, with Year One, Harold Ramis just gave us all the finger and pissed all over the classic comedies I just mentioned.

With Jack Black... well, I like him. I'm a fan of Tenacious D and most of his movies, but here... WOW. It's like he just didn't even care about the movie. He just showed up, said some lines, ate some crap, and got paid. That's it. There's absolutely no characterization with him (or anyone else really). When watching it, you see Jack Black acting ridiculous and not acting one bit. It's sad really. Michael Cera just stands by and looks stupid for ninety minutes and adds absolutely nothing to this movie at all. He's there just to tag along behind Jack Black and add that "buddy element" to this horrific "buddy comedy".

The rest of the cast is littered with cameos. I could have dug better suprise cameos out of a litter box. No one is funny. No one. I repeat... NO ONE IS FUNNY. Hank Azaria comes close to being entertaining, but as soon as he starts stealing the scene, BAM.... Harold Ramis shifts gears someplace else less entertaining. It's almost like they threw a bunch of names into a hat, drew out twenty or so, and those people were forced at gunpoint to be in this movie. Everyone has this look of "I do not want to be here" etched on their faces. It's sad really. In fact,once this movie was over, I shed a tear... a single tear for someone's career.

After seeing this movie, I realized that someone had to get fired when this thing was made public. The reason I say this is watching this movie made me feel raped. I felt like I had been sent to "failed movie prison", taken to my cell, and then raped by twenty inmates while my helpless cries fell on deaf ears. This movie is that bad. It makes me wonder if anyone screened it before it got released. My guess is no it didn't, thus someone losing their job.

Not all of it is THAT bad... no wait... yes, yes it was. When the movie was over, it was like finally taking that dump that has made you on edge for a 90 minute road-trip. Your stomach no longer hurts from holding the crap back, but your butt is sensitive from the pushing. Except here there is no pushing. It's like it's being forced in. All of the jokes suffer from very little set-up and too much punchline. After about twenty minutes in, you're praying to God that he'll release you from the evil grips this movie has on you. It wouldn't be so bad if it were anyone else than Harold Ramis, but you just expect more from someone of his calibur.

Speaking of Harold Ramis, I was thinking about him reviving the Ghostbusters franchise with Dan Akroyd during this movie. Then I saw Ramis onscreen and came to the conclusion that he actually ate Dan Akroyd. Man this guy has filled out. He's pushing maximum density on that Egon Spengler frame of his. All of which just made this so painful to watch and made me secretly hope that Ghostbusters 3 never sees the light of day.

Year One was co-written by Ramis and Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg, who the latter two co-write The Office. I was shocked because I like Ramis and I like The Office. Then I see Year One and wonder what went wrong. Supposedly the same three (with Dan Akroyd) are working on the Ghostbusters 3 script. To that I say.... May you all be struck down with a sudden case of comedic genious otherwise, you three are about to ruin the last great thing from my childhood. I really hope that if anyone got fired or blacklisted from the horrific afterbirth that is Year One, it's the two writers who shaped this lump of feces with Ramis, because I really don't want them touching Ghostbusters at all now. In fact, I think I actually like The Office a little less now. I know I'll never see Stripes or Animal House in the same light again. It's like Ramis had the Midas Touch and then one day just started randomly touching turds. No matter how golden they seem on the outside, there's still a lump of crap underneath.

So with the horrible script, horrific acting, and nonsensical directing... Year One shapes up to be one of the worst comedies I've ever had the displeasure of watching. I've seen some BAD movies in my day, and Year One ranks up there with them all. So, viewer be warned... Year One should only be watched in trailer form and then forgotten. According to some sources I've read, Year One was originally planned to be a raunchy "R" comedy, but was trimmed down to "PG-13". It makes me wonder if the editing was to blame for the movie being totally unfunny, but no matter where you try to shift the blame, nothing excuses the pitiful script, pathetic acting, and unoriginal directing.

All in all, this turd of a movie should be flushed.

Rating:

The Shield (2002-2008) A Retrospective Review

The Shield

2002-2008

Starring: Michael Chiklis, Walton Goggins, Kenny Johnson, David Rees Snell, Benito Martinez, CCH Pounder, Jay Karns, Catherine Dent, and Michael Jace

Notable Guest Stars: Glenn Close, Anthony Anderson, Forest Whitaker
Created By: Shawn Ryan

Television shows come and go each year almost as frequently as we change our underwear or brush our teeth. Very rarely does an episodic show come along that not only refuses to follow conventional means, but also defies logic in how it creates it's own mold and then breaks out of it.

From the pilot episode until the series finale, The Shield has reinvented the episodic drama wheel so to speak. Critically acclaimed from moment one, The Shield not only revolutionalized the episodic drama, it paved the way for a whole new genre of shows (especially for the FX network). Sons of Anarchy, Dirt, Damages, Rescue Me, and The Riches all owe their television life to The Shield. And that's just the FX network. This doesn't take into consideration the other networks.

On March 12th, 2002, The Shield's pilot episode premiered. Without spoilers, the first episode dealt with the organization of The Strike Team, a squad of detectives aimed strictly at dealing with gang related crimes in the ficticious Farmington District of South Central LA. The episode also introduced The Barn: The experimental police precinct formed of a motley crew of law enforcement stationed in an old church that had been remodeled to suit their needs. The thematic elements to the episode dealt with a "new" Strike Team member and detectives searching for a missing girl possibly involved in an underage sexual slavery ring. The pilot summed all this up within an hour and then left you with (at that time) probably the most disturbing last 30 seconds on television. It was those 30 seconds that would come back to haunt the Strike Team for the rest of the show's seven seasons and set up a catalyst for what would be 7 years of gripping television. The Shield did in one hour episode what many cop, crime, or drama shows spend their entire lifespan trying to accomplish: BE COMPELLING.

And that's exactly what The Shield was for seven whole years. Compelling. From season to season, events escalated to the point that you really never knew who the true good and bad guys were, and it was that big gray area that kept you hooked. Was it maverick cop Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis) and his detective hit-squad double-dealing their own cop bretheren while in turn taking a huge payoff from gangs, or was it the deep and moving moments strung in between the rape, violence, and gritty street lifestyles that made this show compelling? Truth is, it was a little bit of everything. The show was shot completely on Steadicam, which means that each scene and each shot is constantly moving. Kenetic energy and constant motion really puts this show in your face, grabs you by the throat, and won't let go for an hour.

Rape, murder, drugs, prostitution, sex, serial killers, gang warfare, corrupt city officials, The Armenian Mob, underage sex rings, senior citizen rapists, money laundering, and undercover sting operations are only the beginning. With guest stars such as Glenn Close, Anthony Anderson, and Forest Whitaker, as each season came and went, the bar was not only raised, it was obliterated and a new one was created. I mentioned the guest stars, but as wonderful and great as their roles were, it was the regular cast that really kept this show moving. Even the pimps, hookers, and gang members were so well fleshed out and believable that you could actually lose yourself in an episode. And it's that dark and taboo beauty that really ups the ante with each episode. With stellar acting, directing, writing, and production values, nothing kept you watching more than just knowing what was going to happen next. This show didn't resort to eyecandy and explosions to keep you watching. No, it resorted to grabbing you by gripping storylines, flawed characters, and a believable and down to earth approach to the cop drama.

As each episode came and went, the years went by and each season drew to a close. At the end of each season, I'd find myself saying "Well, after that mess, this show can't end well for everyone." Well, it didn't. The final episodes (or season for that matter) were spent wrapping up most of the open storylines and building toward what would be one of the most disturbing and talked about series finale's in the history of television. Without spoiling anything, the final episode of The Shield took viewers to a place they didn't expect to be and never returned them home. Shock value doesn't describe this show, but shocking does. Nothing was ever cheap or included just for shock value. With everything that happened, you saw the result, even if it was good or bad. With The Shield, it was mostly bad for the cast. The show was all around great entertainment, but also at the same time it was gritty, raw, and disturbing. One episode I remember vividly from Season one showed Vic Mackey track down a cop killer only to find the killer's dad sitting with heroin needles sticking out of his arms and feet in a drugged out haze. The guy turned his own son in, tricked him to come home, and he came home to be tortured by Mackey with the stick pin end of a badge before his arrest.

It's that flipside to life reality that The Shield gives you with each episode. They show you a reality that most people don't even realize exists, and then they shove it down your throat and make you believe that there truly is an underworld within our own world. Sure The Barn, Strike Team, and Farmington are all ficticious members to a dramatized LA, but after the pilot episode, you won't even care. The realistic portrayal and brilliant acting and writing will sink the hooks in and not let you go.

In retrospect, I miss this show. Only seven or eight months after the final episode aired and I miss it. I miss looking forward to the fall television lineup and wondering how The Shield was going to wow me with it's brilliance. The good thing is that I own every episode on DVD. The bad thing is that what I own is all there is. No matter how many times I see an episode, I always notice or hear something that wasn't there before. It's so layered and deep that one viewing just won't cut it. The ending, although bittersweet, came at the right time. There really wasn't too much more that could be done with the show except run it into the ground, so it was best to go out on top than to dwindle down to nothing and then just fizzle off the tube altogether.

For those that haven't seen this show, please do yourself a favor and pick it up. It literally was weekly filmmaking at it's best. Each episode was so much like it's own film and didn't really feel like a TV show at all. It was groundbreaking, inventive, and had the biggest balls a show ever had on network television. Like the shows I mentioned earlier, a lot of TV shows out now owe The Shield for breaking down walls and touching on taboo topics that people were too scared to even mention.

I'd like to think that this retrospective review will get someone interested in this show and allow them to experience the gripping and beautiful show that is The Shield. If you haven't seen it, give it a chance. With all the awards it's won, all the praise it's recieved, and all the critical acclaim it's taken... that should tell you something. So, in closing, instead of giving a rating, I'm going to say that this show is beyond a rating and leave you all with a few random quotes from the show.

Good cop and bad cop have left for the day. I'm a different kind of cop."- Vic Mackey

"Ay, Mo. Your sister's ass really tastes as sweet as Alvarez here says it does? He wants to know what your momma's putting in the corn muffin. "- Vic Mackey

"Mackey's not a cop. He's Al Capone with a badge."- Captain David Aceveda

"The truth is like grits, you can't serve it up plain, you got to put a little salt on it."- Shane Vendrell

"If my tone sounds superior it's because I'm American and you're Greek!"- Dutch Wagenbach

"From now on, when I say, "Suck my dick", you say, "You want me to lick your balls, Daddy?"- Antwon Mitchell

"So, we cause a triple murder before breakfast, start a race war before dinner - that's uh, that's a pretty good day." - Shane Vendrell


Everyone check out this phenominal and wonderful show. You won't be disappointed