tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54442433132689441352011-07-08T02:35:01.817-07:00Film reviews, filmmaking articles, and more from independent filmmaker, journalist, and writer: Stephen J. Semones.Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.comBlogger351100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-50020212219415553462009-06-23T09:48:00.000-07:002009-06-23T14:10:44.627-07:00

Due to the heavy traffic with the other Blog, we've decided to relocate here. This way, all film reviews and everything else can be categorized and organized for your reading pleasure. All old film reviews are in the process of being transfered over, so be patient. It's going to take some time to move and sort all the old reviews.Also implemented was a newer rating system based on turds. See the

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-2612152214501753492009-06-23T08:11:00.000-07:002009-06-23T14:23:14.306-07:00

Five TurdsThe absolute worst that a movie can offer you.The worst of the worst and bottom of thefilmmaking barrel. Avoid at all costs.Four TurdsNot the absolute worst, but close. Theremight be a few redeeming qualities thatmake you able to watch without vomiting,but not many.Three TurdsAbout average. Not the best, butcertainly not the worst. About themiddle of the road.Two TurdsAbove average

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-87124535869691986612009-06-23T07:30:00.000-07:002009-06-24T20:15:09.579-07:00

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen2009Starring: Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, John Turturro, Kevin Dunn, and Peter CullenDirected By: Michael Bay**Caution: Review contains spoilers**Well, lets get the plot out of the way first. According to IMDB, the plot goes like this:Decepticon forces return to Earth on a mission to take Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) prisoner, after the young hero learns the truth

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-39330853380033675292009-06-21T10:48:00.000-07:002009-06-24T18:36:28.833-07:00

Year One2009Starring: Jack Black, Michael Cera, Oliver Platt, Vinnie Jones, Hank Azaria,Directed By: Harold RamisSomeone is getting fired. I know it. I can feel it deep in my bones. Someone's job got stripped from them when this movie came out. Before I get into that, let's see what this trainwreck of a movie's plot is.According to IGN, the plot is as follows:Year One, directed by Harold Ramis

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-81988468127049476542009-06-11T16:56:00.000-07:002009-06-23T17:04:29.571-07:00

The Shield2002-2008Starring: Michael Chiklis, Walton Goggins, Kenny Johnson, David Rees Snell, Benito Martinez, CCH Pounder, Jay Karns, Catherine Dent, and Michael JaceNotable Guest Stars: Glenn Close, Anthony Anderson, Forest WhitakerCreated By: Shawn RyanTelevision shows come and go each year almost as frequently as we change our underwear or brush our teeth. Very rarely does an episodic show

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-72795158069431735352009-05-09T16:52:00.000-07:002009-06-23T16:56:09.140-07:00

Star Trek2009Starring: Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, Chris Pine, Eric Bana, Simon PeggDirected By: J.J. AbramsFirst off, Star Wars rules. It always has and always will. I've never been a so-called Trek fan, or Trekkie, as the nerds are often referred to by normal society. I remember my brother, a Trekkie, literally fist fighting from debates which started from theories as to who would beat who in

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-15340351542125960302009-04-25T16:48:00.000-07:002009-06-23T16:52:17.060-07:00

The Wrestler2009Starring: Mickey Rourke, Marisa Tomei, and Evan Rachel CookDirected By: Darren AronofskyBefore I begin the review, I'd like to give a personal little story here. First off, I've watched pro-wrestling off and on since I was 5 years old. Now my son watches it off an on, and has since he was about 3. I've been to live events, met countless wrestlers, used to write a weekly wrestling

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-33802578768174470022009-03-29T16:39:00.000-07:002009-06-23T16:45:37.136-07:00

King Kung Fu1976Starring: Lance D. Hayes, Allan Baker, Dan Campbell, Tim McGillDirected By: Lance D. Hayes A friend of mine gave me a copy of this a few years ago and I promised I'd do a review. The thing is, I've literally spent like two years trying to forget this movie, so in a demented way to cleanse myself of this "movie", I'm returning with what might be the worst (or best) review ever.

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-82642066408535657112009-03-23T16:45:00.000-07:002009-06-23T17:04:10.300-07:00

The Haunting in Connecticut2009Starring: Virginia Madson, Kyle Gallner, Elias Koteas, Amanda Crew, and Martin DonovanDirected By: Peter CornwellThe year is 1987 and a young mid-teenage boy, Matt Campbell (Kyle Gallner) is slowly dying from cancer. His mother Sara (Virginia Madson), has to make frequent trips from New York to Connecticut for him to seek cancer treatment. With the frequent cancer

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-42315448198984915502006-12-15T16:36:00.000-08:002009-06-23T16:39:34.589-07:00

Mr. Nanny1993Starring: Hulk Hogan, Sherman Hemsley, James Coffey, Ed Leslie, Arthur AnaoiDirected By: Michael GottliebWell, you guys picked the review, and Mr. Nanny was the lucky one to feel my wrath this time. So, without further ado, this review is about to get the "big boot and leg drop" combo...A friend persuades the former wrestling star Sean Armstrong (Hulk Hogan) to do a job as bodyguard

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-14934068700872922942006-11-25T16:32:00.000-08:002009-06-23T16:36:12.609-07:00

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny2006Starring: Jack Black, Kyle Gass, Jason Reed, Ronnie James Dio, Meatloaf, Tim Robbins, Ben StillerDirected By: Liam LynchFor those not in the know, Tenacious D is a band that goes back to the late 90's. Started in Tim Robbins' comedy troupe, Jack Black and Kyle Gass decided they had more in common that just music... they also wanted to form the greatest band

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-61403223162218505632006-11-02T15:43:00.000-08:002009-06-23T16:32:04.298-07:00

Saw 32006Starring: Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Angus Macfayden, Bahar SoomekhDirected By: Darren Lynn BousmanWell, well, well. We're at number three, sequel number two, just two years after the release of the first Saw movie. Now, I'll admit, I liked the first movie and thought it's mind-fuck ending was very refreshing in today's horror films. Then came number two. I loved the movie and found it

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-12461557493218129802006-10-24T15:39:00.000-07:002009-06-23T15:43:35.747-07:00

Slither2006Starring: Nathan Fillion, Michael Rooker, Elizabeth Banks, Gregg HenryDirected By: James GunnSlither was one of those movies where you saw the trailer once, then never heard of it again until they started forcing the DVD down your throat by commercials. My brother kept telling me "Stephen, you HAVE to see this movie!! It's freakin' hilarious!". So, the DVD came out today, so I figured

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-74628919634244150262006-10-08T15:36:00.000-07:002009-06-23T15:39:46.225-07:00

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning2006Starring: R. Lee Ermy, Jordana Brewster, Taylor Handley, Andrew BryniarskiDirected By: Jonathan LiebesmanFirst let me say that this is a prequel to the 2003 remake of the 1974 original film. Leaving the original one be for now, I liked the remake and felt that the Marcus Nispel direction took the remake into the right feel, though nothing will ever

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-520692736925806452006-10-02T15:29:00.000-07:002009-06-23T17:03:27.982-07:00

Jeepers Creepers2001Starring: Justin Long, Gina Phillips, Jonathan Breck, Patricia BelcherDirected By: Victor SalvaOk, someone requested I do this review, so feeling bored and the need to go off on a bad movie, I decided to give it a go. So, Mike, this one's for you man.Trish (Gina Phillips) and Darry Jenner (Justin Long) are brother and sister coming back home via the back roads for the holiday

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-85817299459080578452006-09-03T15:25:00.000-07:002009-06-23T15:29:20.252-07:00

Queen of the Damned2002Starring: Aaliyah, Stuart Townsend, Vincent Perez, Paul McGann, Marguerite MoreauDirected By: Michael RymerI don't know really how to tackle this review since I'm not a fan of the Anne Rice books, but I'll give it my best shot and try not to be too mean. After many years of sleeping in his coffin, the vampire Lestat (Stuart Townsend) awakens only to find that the world has

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-35171570960418521432006-08-29T15:21:00.000-07:002009-06-23T15:25:18.278-07:00

Silent Hill2006Starring: Radha Mitchell, Sean Bean, Deborah Kara Unger, Laurie Holden, Kim CoatesDirected By: Christophe GansI heard a lot of good things about this movie and decided to give it a chance. First off, let me say that I'm of above average intelligence and consider myself very knowledgable when it comes to films and filmmaking. Second, let me say that I've never once played any

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-29397591255700063622006-08-28T15:06:00.000-07:002009-06-23T15:10:32.177-07:00

Snakes on a Plane2006Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Julianna Margulies, Kenan Thompson, Rachel Blanchard, Elsa PatakyDirected By: David EllisYou know, had I directed this movie personally, I would have done one thing differently: I would have done a little bit better at setting up the deaths. Some of the deaths in this film just seemed put in there for "filler" time and just to show more snakes.

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-75896287820911914662006-08-14T15:02:00.000-07:002009-06-23T15:05:32.396-07:00

Pulp Fiction1994Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Eric Stoltz, Tim Roth, Harvey Keitel, Bruce Willis, Ving RhamesDirected By: Quentin TarantinoIt's about time I get around to reviewing Pulp Fiction for several reasons. Number one, it's probably in my top three favorite films ever made, and number two, I owe it to this film to give it a great review.If you haven't seen Pulp

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-5318340101398675132006-08-14T14:58:00.000-07:002009-06-23T15:01:51.269-07:00

Waterworld1995Starring: Kevin Costner, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Dennis Hopper, Jack Black, Michael Jeter, Tina MajorinoDirected By: Kevin ReynoldsWell, it's been a while since my last review and I decided to catch back up with the Readers Choice Review that my loyal readers voted upon. You guys spoke and Waterworld was the winner, or loser in this case. Without further ado, on to the review....This

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-54395350086773082672006-07-19T14:54:00.000-07:002009-06-23T14:58:34.131-07:00

Nacho Libre2006Starring: Jack Black, Ana de la Reguera, Darius Rose, Moises AriasDirected By: Jared HessOk, first things first, I didn't pick this movie, my son did. So, seeing as I was forced to go see this, I'll be as nice as possible without sounding ungrateful to spending time with my son.I like Jack Black. A lot. Not in a gay/homosexual way, but I think he's freakin' hilarious and I'm a

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-13186248190226170952006-07-16T14:50:00.000-07:002009-06-23T14:54:17.863-07:00

From Dusk Till Dawn1996Starring: George Clooney, Harvey Keitel, Quentin Tarantino, Juliette Lewis, Cheech Marin, Ernest LiuDirected By: Robert RodriguezAdd one half action thriller and one half horror film, then blend together with excellent dialogue and you get From Dusk Till Dawn. What happened here is good friends Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino decided to make a vampire lovers wet

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-90311381971985954072006-07-16T14:05:00.000-07:002009-06-23T14:09:29.730-07:00

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch1982Starring: Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin, Michael Currie, Ralph Strait, Dan O'HerlihyDirected By: Tommy Lee WallaceFrom what I've looked up and read about on the lovely Internet about Halloween 3, it appears that producer John Carpenter wanted to steer the Halloween series away from slasher Michael Myers and onto more of a Twilight Zone themed film franchise. Yes

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-50263348891357588002006-07-14T14:02:00.000-07:002009-06-23T14:05:23.527-07:00

Napoleon Dynamite2003Starring: Jon Heder, Jon Gries, Efren Ramirez, Diedrich Bader, Aaron RuellDirected By: Jared Hess Do you like watching losers make complete idiots of themselves? Do you smile and laugh at others' misfortunes? Do you like retarded ass movies with no plot? If so, then Napoleon Dynamite is for you. If Napoleon Dynamite happens to be your kind of movie... quickly load the

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-30774263231394952482006-07-09T13:57:00.000-07:002009-06-23T14:01:50.776-07:00

Malibu's Most Wanted 2003 Starring: Jamie Kennedy, Blair Underwood, Taye Diggs, Anthony Anderson, Regina Hall Directed By: John Whitesell You viewers picked the movie, and now as promised, I shall review Malibu's Most Wanted. I gave you a list of movies that you wanted to see me tear into like a savage wolf on fresh meat and you chose this one. Well, I hope everyone is satisfied with what I

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-65748845581119717512006-07-05T13:51:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:55:45.620-07:00

Land of the Dead2005Starring: Simon Baker, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Asia Argento, Robert JoyDirected By: George A. RomeroIt's really hard for me to review this film. As a fan of George Romero's work, I can try and be unbiased as possible, but if it were another Romero film review, it would be much harder. Land of the Dead is the fourth installment in the Romero zombie saga with the first

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-39451787216802744102006-06-29T13:47:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:50:33.835-07:00

An American Werewolf in London(1981)Starring: David Naughton, Jenny Agutter, Griffin Dunne, John WoodvineDirected By: John LandisOk, first things first: FORGET THERE WAS EVER A SEQUEL TO THIS MOVIE!!!!!! Now, with that said, An American Werewolf in London is probably one of the best horror films ever made about werewolves. Forget The Howling and Wolfen for a moment, because those are always

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-71729591542301573392006-06-26T13:42:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:46:33.480-07:00

House of Wax2005Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris HiltonDirected By: Jaume Collet-SerraOk, this came on HBO recently and I decided to watch it for one reason and one reason only: To see Paris Hilton DIE! Yes, that's correct. I suffered almost two hours to see one person, whom I cannot stand to even look at, die a horrible death. Am I sick and twisted? Maybe,

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-60232101072147862322006-06-25T13:29:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:41:58.520-07:00

The Frighteners1996Starring: Michael J. Fox, Trini Alvarado, Jeffrey Combs, Jake Busey, John AstinDirected By: Peter JacksonOk, it's unfair that I'm reviewing this movie because it's probably in my top five favorite horror movies of all time, but screw it.... you all need to know just how awesome and wonderful this film is. I'm a HUGE Peter Jackson fan and have been a member of the official

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-60154538552505283872006-06-25T13:23:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:28:58.140-07:00

Tourist Trap1979Starring: Chuck Connors, Jocelyn Jones, Robin Sherwood, Tanya RobertsDirected By: David SchmoellerThis film is probably one of the greatest unknown cult classics of all time. Coming several years after The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Tourist Trap essentially has the same format. Teens on vacation run into a secluded madman and are picked off one by one. Does this mean it's a rip off

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-35631480725021860862006-06-22T13:16:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:23:06.998-07:00

Hostel2005Starring: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor GudjonssonDirected By: Eli RothHaving seen Eli Roth's first film, Cabin Fever, I wasn't too sure how to prepare myself for Hostel. I didn't think Cabin Fever was that good of a movie, but found some things about it redeeming. When I heard that Quentin Tarantino and Scott Spiegel were listed as "Executive Producers" I felt a tiny bit of

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-66269720184428013922006-06-21T13:08:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:15:18.963-07:00

Fright Night1985Starring: Roddy McDowall, William Ragsdale, Chris Sarandon, Amanda Bearse, Stephen GeoffreysDirected By: Tom HollandThis has to be my favorite vampire film of all time, so I thought I'd give it a review. Having literally seen this film over 500 times, I can almost quote the entire film from beginning to end. It's kind of sad really, but sad in a dorky-this film kicks ass sort of

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-9811320199796334402006-06-21T13:00:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:15:37.020-07:00

The Devil's Rejects2005Starring: Sid Haig, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bill Moseley, William Forsythe, Leslie Easterbrook, Ken ForeeDirected By: Rob ZombieWell, I'm going to have to admit to being a little partial to this film, but I'll try and be as unbiased as possible without the usual fanboy rants. Having met most of the cast from this film (and House of 1,000 Corpses), I see this film a little

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-56912941398449914232006-06-21T12:51:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:15:57.958-07:00

This review was originally published on Wednesday, June 21, 2006.House of the Dead2003Starring: Clint Howard, Jurgen Prochnow, Jonathan CherryDirected By: Uwe BollOk, I'm going to be honest here. This movie was on the Sci Fi Channel tonight and I decided to give it a chance since I've never seen it before. I'd also like to state that I'm aware of the reputation of director Uwe Boll, but I decided

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5444243313268944135.post-47409904090934140182006-06-20T09:56:00.000-07:002009-06-23T13:16:29.516-07:00

This review was originally published on: Tuesday June 20th, 2006.The Omen2006Starring: Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles, Mia Farrow, David Thewlis, Seamus Davey-FitzpatrickDirected by: John MooreIf you've seen the original version of The Omen, you basically know what to expect going in, but something that actually suprised me was that this was almost a shot for shot remake of the original. In fact,

Stephen J. Semoneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04259058484217548705noreply@blogger.com0